Many years ago, I sat around a table at Passover, eating latkes with applesauce while a friend explained the Kinsey Scale. In case the concept is new to you as it was to me, the idea is this: sexuality is fluid and exists on a spectrum; it does not fit neatly into the two distinct categories of homosexual and heterosexual. This opened a new possibility for then-hetero-identifying me, could I be a little gay?
According to Kinsey, yes. He even thinks our sexuality is subject to change over time. This opened up a second possibility for me: is it possible I’ve changed? I don’t have to feel bad about getting my sexuality “wrong” all those years? Whether true or not, it opened the door for me mentally to consider a sexuality other than strictly heterosexual.
The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects.
Alfred Kinsey
Once in the land of “a little gay” the natural label is bisexual. On the one hand, I don’t love the term because it plays into a binary understanding of gender, and, like Mr. Kinsey, I believe that too is on a spectrum. At the same time, I don’t want to contribute to bi-erasure by pretending that I am unlike bisexual people. Indeed, I don’t think the term literally means “I only have sex with people who identify as male or female.” I think it’s just a little old school. So, I accept the bisexual label.
At the same time, the term “pansexual” resonates more with my current philosophies on sex and gender. “Pansexual” refers to sexual attraction regardless of sex or gender identity. As two role models of mine, Nikki and Daniel from Swing TV, paraphrase: “We, essentially, are attracted to people rather than genitals, so long as there is intimate/sexual chemistry. Chemistry is the important part.” This feels good to me. This is the label I like the best. But again, to use it exclusively, I think, would contribute to bi-erasure, potentially disconnect me from other bisexual identifying people, and evince, I think, some level of denial about many people’s reality.
Finally, gay. Is it fair to call myself gay? Some would say no. Gay is a term to describe homosexuality exclusively, they might say. But am I not homosexual? At least to some degree? I am a woman who is attracted to and has sex with women, is that not a little homo? Even if I also do the same with men? Further, to me, “gay” is also an umbrella term. It at least describes the L, G, and B, portions of LGBTQ, and maybe more. It used to be a term, like queer, that implies something different than cis-heterosexual. To me, gay means everyone from 1 to 6 on the Kinsey Scale. So, being one of those, I’ll use this term too.
And that’s how we get to using all three terms, and at least two totally interchangeably. Forgive me if you disagree.
😘😘- Honey