Becoming a swinger has made me a better person. I am a more attentive partner, a more direct communicator, and a less judgmental, more fun, creative person. It makes sense they call it the lifestyle, it absolutely brings lifestyle changes. It has improved my relationship and increased my life enjoyment at least fivefold.
1. Better Communicator
Being a swinger demands better communication with your partner. It makes you navigate difficult conversations that, when I was a vanilla, I just avoided. In vanilla relationships, conversations about past sexual encounters, people you or your partner find attractive, fantasies, or new things you want to try in bed can feel so awkward it’s easier to pretend they don’t exist. As a swinger, these conversations become commonplace, daily. In preparation for going to a swinging event, both nerves and prudence encourage conversations like: “What would you find hot tonight?” “Do you have any fantasies we want to pursue?” Instead of feeling ashamed for having thoughts about other people, you and your partner can feel aroused by this reality together. In the postgame, after play, you discover that you weren’t as much on the same page as your partner as you thought. You learn how to have even better, real time feedback with one another. You learn that, as much as you love one another and know each other intimately, there is no substitute for direct communication. You learn to use your words, to clarify, and to clarify again. You learn not to make assumptions. As you make mistakes, you learn not to be so hard on yourself, or your partner. You learn to give yourself and them a positive presumption way more often, because you want one and need one too.
For example, when we started out in the lifestyle, people would approach us and ask us questions. There is typically at least a little conversation before play. We made it all the way back to play with a couple once and found out they are into full swap. We only do soft swap. Awkward. Now, it’s easier to be brave and ask people what they are into at the jump. I speak up a lot more now that we are in the lifestyle.
2. Renewed Desire to Try New Things
It’s easy for life to get routine. It’s easy to get bored. To ask yourself, “What do I have to look forward to this year?” And when the answer comes back, “more of the same,” to feel deflated. Not so in the lifestyle, there are always new, fun experiences to anticipate and desire! There are clubs, cruises, hotel takeovers, weeklong celebrations like Naughty Nawlins and international swinging events and cities like the Naked City in France. Even if the event is the same, the people will be different! There is so much in life to look forward to. I think, as I aged, I was asking myself, “Were my wildest parties really in my past?” “Are the Friday nights of the future really just dinner parties and board games?” Forget that! I will be having an orgy, thank you. I will be traveling to the Naked City, thank you. I will be having an unforgettable threesome on an otherwise forgettable Saturday night, please and thank you. House parties, club parties, swinger parties are W I L D.
In addition to the travel, the parties, the new friends and freedom to be reached, all that fun begets more fun in everyday life. I want to learn languages so I can talk to and swing with more people when we travel. I want to learn how to dance better, mating rituals and all. I want to buy sexy clothing. I want to read about sex and relationships. Being in the lifestyle brought way more pleasure into my life than I ever expected, far beyond the sex.
3. Healthier Habits
As I’ve said elsewhere, knowing I will “be on the menu” any given weekend helps me stay disciplined when it comes to healthy eating and living. When we were a vanilla couple, and I was only allowed to be sexualized by my husband who will love me and tell me I look good no matter what, I had less motivation to exercise. I didn’t mind if I overate candy or sweets one weekend. Now, the cost is higher. Strangers are going to see me naked (I hope), and I want to look good. And, I have so much fun stuff on the horizon, I have no interest in getting sick, ever. I take care of myself better, a lot better, and I even have goals and dreams related to health and fitness. I’m constantly aware and reminded that I am a sexual being, and it feels so very good to be hot and fit and wanted.
4. Increased Confidence
It’s more than the exercise and the sex. Being in a lifestyle setting is being in a setting where you are allowed to be you, whoever that is. You want to dance naked? Go for it. You want to casually stroke your husband while you watch others dance? You’re normal. You like attention? Like being slutty? Join the club. To be a swinger is to belong. And with that belonging comes the great gifts of feeling safe to express yourself, feeling okay and wanted, just as you are, of learning to believe that the parts of you that were shamed as a child are not bad and shameful, but welcome and good. It’s healing, being able to be myself, and I carry that assuredness, that confidence, that knowing, out with me into the world, even vanilla world. I get to like me, and see that other people like me, just as I am. Knowing that swingers sexualize me makes me face the reality that random people I see in the grocery store are thinking the same thing, and I take in that boon with pride. I smile more, knowing I have a good life.
5. Less Judgmental, More Playful
Being in the lifestyle requires an open mind. Very quickly, you will realize that things you thought you didn’t want, you want. Things you thought were not possible for you or even gross, you start to wonder about. With that growth and change, you become a lot more humble about yourself and patient with other people. You start to see everyone on a path, on a unique and unforeseeable journey, and grow in respect for where they are now. Indeed, compassion requires me to have patience with the me who was not the me I am today. When I see something now that I’m not into, even something small, I don’t judge it or shame the person because, who knows? Maybe I’ll be into that one day too.
Further, because being in the lifestyle requires so much communication with your partner, it reduces conflict to be less judgy. I don’t want to be judged when I tell my husband about a fantasy I had, or a dream, or a scene I found hot, and so I am less likely to judge him. I don’t censor my mind or my imagination anymore; having less to fear, I explore more. We, as a couple, have become far more, “Live and Let Live.”
6. Improved Relationship
And that takes me to the biggest boon, which is a massively improved relationship with my partner. Before we swung, we were both repressed and not sharing with each other. There are all these little secrets, like a fantasy you don’t share, or a person who you found hot and distracted you momentarily on your morning walk. Now that we are in the lifestyle, we share all these things. There is no holding back. We sincerely want to know everything about one another. I am sincerely interested in how I can bring more pleasure into my partner’s life. I don’t want to be proprietary. I have a greater sense of fairness. We have proven to one another that we are one another’s top priority, so we can be brave, push through insecurity and find exhilaration and connection on the other side.
Even if we don’t swing in a given month, the changes it has brought to our relationship remain. We are excited about the future together. We have better sex. We have more sex. Pleasure is a priority and on both of our brains every day. I have such gratitude for him, helping me and encouraging me express my true self. For him giving me the freedom to have the fun I want to have in this life. I want to give him the world! That gratitude, the positive presumptions, the clearer communication, it all works together toward a stronger, happier, healthier, and sex-filled relationship.
How has swinging improved your life? I bet it’s more ways than one!
