If you are attending a swinger event, it almost undoubtedly has a theme, which tells you what the decor and vibe will be like, and most importantly, what costume to wear. Why? Certainly, there are many social benefits to adding a theme to a party, but here are my top three.
#1: Themes and costumes create a sense of closeness
For some reason, being dressed similarly to other people makes us feel more similar to them, as well as more in character. Imagine walking into a courtroom and seeing a man in a clown suit: you would assume he is a clown, not a lawyer. Our clothes telegraph who we are, what we do, and with whom we belong.
I used to spend so much time worrying about what to wear to an event. I hated receiving wedding invitations that did not provide a dress code. Feeling I needed to be especially hypervigilant due to my brown skin, which already makes me look like an outsider in certain settings, I took seriously the social benefits of dressing in accord with the group. What are these benefits? Primarily, being treated as an in-group member by others who are dressed like you. For women, how we dress can be code for so many things, including class, wealth, social acuity and cultural capital. Knowing harsh and potentially erroneous judgments (often called “first impressions”) would be made based on what I was wearing stressed me the fuck out. I wanted to fit in. It feels bad being treated like an outsider, and when we dress differently, we feel more different. In this way, costumes are a sort of uniform: they unite.
In the context of swinging, costumes bring a sense of in-group identity. To me, it makes the event feel more safe. First, I feel safer because I have a sense of what to expect. Then, when I walk into a party dressed in theme, I leave the outside world where everyone is wearing plain clothes and join my people, who are also dressed as slutty health care professionals or whatever the theme is. It feels safer to be a slutty nurse around other slutty nurses: it creates a sense of belonging, plus silly-good fun.
Something about costumes in particular–perhaps the silliness of it, the child-like playfulness they bring out in us–takes the party up a notch. Maybe it’s that wearing a costume is inherently vulnerable, and so when you are received heartily for doing or wearing something silly, you instantly feel safe and warmth toward the people around you. Walking around a party where everyone is dressed up in theme creates a felt-sense that we are all in the same tribe. A sense that we are all like one another. No matter how old you are, what your occupation is, or what you’re into, tonight, we’re all dressed like cats (or whatever it is). Themes and costumes provide a shortcut for perceived closeness.
#2: Costumes give us a more playful alter-ego
Dressing differently from how we typically dress also makes us feel different than we usually do. In my opinion, this is why they always start with changing up the clothes on Queer Eye or any other makeover show. Clothes can make us feel more ourselves, or less ourselves, or both. My husband fondly remembers wearing a Frosty the Snowman mascot costume one Halloween, and watching adults turn into children as they hugged him, cheered for him, and posed for pictures with him throughout the night. It’s not only that being in costume frees us–allowing us to be an alter-ego, free of our daily-ego’s concerns–it changes how we are perceived by others. They don’t see or react to us as the labels with which we typically identify–whether that’s lawyer, or a parent, or however else we feel about ourselves–but as our character. We get to experience their reaction to us as this character, not our daily reality, and we give the same gift to them. Together, we are all experiencing a different, likely freer, version of ourselves. Maybe your character is sluttier than you typically are, or louder, or speaks with an accent. Costumes give permission to wear and be whoever you want. And typically, the person I am in costume feels more me not less.
Costumes are inherently silly and bring out the kid in us. They give us permission to be extra playful, even wild. Participating in a theme party where everybody is in costume feels like entering a movie set, or a different world. In this world, everyone is living out the kid in them. Everyone is co-creating this fantastical world together. It’s make-believe. At the animal party, I’m a cat, hissing and rubbing up against people’s legs. On nautical night, I’m a captain, shouting “Ahoy Matey!” to my fellow crewmates. Costumes break us out of our shell, out of our normal, allowing us to experience ourselves anew.
#3: Costumes provide an easy conversation starter
So much about social aptitude is about the ability to open a set. How do you start conversation with someone you do not know? How often have you thought about saying something to someone, only to hold your tongue? Why did you hold your tongue?
It’s scary to talk to new people, I get it, I get scared a lot. I’ve been deliberately practicing talking to strangers for about a year, and still I find it scary to go up to someone directly and engage them in conversation. Costumes help people overcome this because they are a natural conversation starter. When someone is wearing an eye-catching costume, it is natural to compliment them. Compliments are superb set-openers: who doesn’t like to be complimented on something they undoubtedly put time and thought into? Even shy people will find themselves discussing their favorite places to buy costumes and how they manufactured the look. It feels good to feel socially competent, and costumes provide this confidence boost by making everyone more approachable.
In swinging, it can feel so high pressure to talk to someone, given it may be a come on or perceived as a come on. Costumes reduce that pressure. Throwing someone a compliment on their costume is free. You already feel some level of tribal closeness with them, seeing as you are both dressed in theme, and when they receive your compliment, that feeling will only blossom further. You can have as much further conversation with them as you find suitable. Complimenting a costume is not definitionally a come on, so you have cover. And, if you meant it to be a come on, it might work! If it doesn’t, the uncertainty lets you save face if the interest is not mutual.
Conclusion: (Duh) Theme Parties and Costumes are more fun!
Here’s the equation for what theme parties and costumes provide.
A sense of safety, tribal closeness, and friendship + easy conversation starters with strangers + a childlike playfulness in the participants = free-spirited fun. Even in vanilla environments, this is the case. Getting to play a character helps us loosen up. Easy conversation prompts make us feel comfortable and confident. Silly attire makes for silly people. And silliness leads to closeness. Isn’t all that worth the extra effort?
Every event should have a theme. And it’s worth the extra work to participate. Eye candy will come to you! If you don’t know where to start looking for costumes, check out my post on the topic here.
😘😘 Honey
