Lessons I’m Learning (from Swinging)

Folks. I just had the Lifestyle experience–no, LIFE experience–of a lifetime. After a week at Ville Naturaliste in Cap d’Agde, France, I am a new person. More me than ever before. A person who loves her body more. A person who likes herself more. A person who will never forget there is a place where she belongs. Her new mottos involve inevitability, humility, and grace. “Love me or get fucked,” tops the list.

More about that later. Right now, I want to talk about just one part of our trip: the fucking. Before this trip we described ourselves as “mostly soft-swap,” i.e. having no rule against engaging in a full swap but not having found the right moment to do so. We found the right moment this trip. But, even if we hadn’t, I would have learned a ton about myself, play, and how to be a more skillful lover. Interested? Good. Here are just three things I learned.

#1: When inclined to panic, relax.

For the first time, we met a couple with whom we had immediate chemistry. We were all drawn to one another from the moments our eyes met. As a result of the excitement, none of us cared to discuss play-style in advance. When we got to the room, we learned they like to fuck hard. We were excited to try.

I was giving the man’s gorgeous member a blowjob, and he would pull my head down to take him deep into my throat. I love that movement. I feel powerful in my submissiveness and aroused by his desire. But his cock was bigger than I’m used to, and when my throat was totally stuffed with him part of me feared I would die. Die or throw up. I felt panic start to arise. But was I going to lose my fucking cool with this hotter than life couple? Absolutely not. So, what did I do? I remembered that I was not actually going to die. I remembered that I can hold my breath for at least a minute. I remembered I could breathe slowly through my nose. I remembered how badly I wanted to fuck this man right, and I relaxed. When I relaxed, my throat relaxed, and I could take him longer and deeper.

Then, when he was fucking me, I feared he’d touch my cervix. Ordinarily, my cervix is very sensitive and hitting it during sex can be so painful that in the moment I fear I’ll be hurt permanently (it’s like touching a nerve or something electric). I wondered if I should squeeze or contort to stop it from happening, but, again, my desire to be a good lay would not allow me to do so. I remembered to breathe. And then, again, I remembered it was unlikely that I would actually die or be paralyzed. I relaxed a little more. Then I remembered my mentor mentioning once that she fucked a guy with a huge cock, and she had a pelvic exam the next day that showed that her cervix literally moved out of the way. I thought, “maybe this is possible for me,” and tried to consciously relax my cervix. I remembered an exercise from The Heart of Tantric Sex by Diane Richardson where you’re instructed to ask, “Can I be looser?” And repeat. “Can I be looser?” Indeed, I can (almost always) be looser. I loosened. Not only did I not die, but it also felt really good. The next day, when I was fucking my husband, he was able to penetrate me so much deeper than usual and it brought us both so much pleasure. What a gift, two gifts really, stemming from me learning to relax during play.

And is this not why we swing? To enhance pleasure and sex with our partner? Example #1, check.

#2: Why not ask your play partners, explicitly, what they like?

Almost a year ago, Mr. Honey and I took a pleasure mapping class with Amber Mallery on a Desire Cruise. During the class, we touched one another as if we’d never done so before, asking questions about pressure and sensation. After the class, we were moved by how much it furthered our communication in bed, never assuming, speaking up, and enhancing our connection by being so sincerely interested in pleasuring the other.

I wish I could say I always remembered this in play settings. For whatever reason, it’s easy for me to want to show my own adequacy as a lover and for some reason that involves an intuitive sense of what feels good, so I don’t know, I don’t always ask. Perhaps I’ve made up a story about how asking looks insecure, and I want to look confident. Perhaps it’s scary for me to ask because what if I can’t do the thing they like? I’m over those fears now.

She was probably the best woman to eat out my pussy to date. It’s hard to say, because so much of my pleasure has to do with my level of arousal at the time, but, she was really good. And what did she do? She started by asking, “Do you like a finger inside or just the clit?” What an empowering question for me. I hate being shoved hard with fingers, but many women like that. This gave me an opportunity to speak up. I responded, “Maybe one finger,” and she didn’t use any. Later, when we gave Mr. Honey a double-blow job together, she looked at me and said, “Yes, show me what he likes.” How hot. Hot and helpful. Meanwhile while, her husband, while I gave him a blowjob, pointed to a spot on his dick and said, “I really like to be licked right there.” Again! What useful and valuable info for me. I felt much more proficient, knowing something he liked. It gave me a sense of direction and a known path to success. And when he came, he came hard. How good that made me feel, all because he helped me by being explicit.

I vow to be more explicit moving forward. I want to ask more and also tell more. Why not? Me thinking I would intuitively know what any person wants makes no sense. May I help them, help me, and vice versa.

#3: From lube skeptic, to lube afficionado

For a long time, I was not a fan of lube. Lube represented a time in our relationship when I couldn’t get wet, and I felt ashamed. Lube to me meant overriding my body’s signals. I didn’t see the point. But then we got a strap on, and we needed lube for pegging. A friend recommended Uberlube, and I loved it so much–for pegging, for masturbating, for handjobs–that my mind opened to the possibility lube isn’t always bad.

My new thing lately is that nothing is always bad. Nothing is always good, nothing is always bad, nothing means anything. With my mind open to the possibility of lube being not so bad, I learned this trip all the many ways lube is oh so good.

First, we used a water-based lube while a new lady-friend fucked me with a strap-on. Wow. The dildo was big, but I was confident I could take it. But isn’t it only fair that I receive some help lubricating it? Imagine if my pride had disallowed lube; it couldn’t have felt nearly as good. Lube good. Feel good. Oog oog.

Then a different friend lubed up my husband’s condom-covered cock before sitting on top. Wise woman. The condom changes things! Why wouldn’t we make it wetter? Friction does not feel good in that setting. How could I be against lube, where lube enhances pleasure?

Finally, during what was the most sensual play session of my life (and entirely girl-girl), my friend wanted to rub, “pussy to pussy.” She sat with her legs open, and I wove myself around them. She placed some lube on her pussy, and we rubbed into one another, cascading into orgasm after orgasm. I’m not sure this act is possible without lube. And this is my new favorite thing! I thought it was a male fantasy but now it is my fantasy.

Conclusion

When I was dating my high school sweetheart, people would come up to me, appalled, wondering if I would go the rest of my life having fucked only one person. They would ask, “How do you know what you like if you don’t experience new people, new things?” “How can you know that you are good?” “Don’t you want sexual adventure?” Eventually, these questions bore into me and I ended the relationship to go play. I had so much fun.

After sleeping with only my husband for so long, it was easy to forget all the learnings of my earlier days of play. I forgot that I am adaptable. I forgot I can play different roles in sex, that there are tons of positions to try, that my orgasm is my responsibility and theirs is theirs. I forgot my power. I forgot my appetite. I forgot how fun it is to learn new things in bed. Now, I am rejuvenated! And I’m bringing everything home with me. I am carrying the new confidence with me everywhere I go. I am so grateful for swinging, which enhances my relationship and deepens my love of beingness, and so grateful for this trip, which profoundly changed my life. More to come!

😘😘 Honey