Over the last six months I’ve committed myself to bodybuilding, and now I am starting to see serious results. I remarked as much to my trainer, who responded, “Yeah, newbie gains are incredible.”
“Newbie gains,” or “noob gains” are the gains made in the first year of bodybuilding. During this first year, a person new to the sport can gain as much as 20lbs of muscle. However, these gains drop off precipitously in the following years, to half as much the next year, and a quarter the year after.
The same is true for swinging. Recently I’ve noticed that we are reaching a level of hotness that makes us both extremely desirable and less approachable than years prior. Am I really that much hotter than I used to be? In terms of my body and physical appearance, I don’t think so. The biggest gains are in how we carry ourselves.
In the book The Talent Code, the authors explore this topic from the perspective of neuroscience, studying top athletes, musicians and other types of performers. They found that, to be great, to make the most progress, you want to be on the edge where you are making the most mistakes. By practicing–repeating our mistakes until we get it right–the brain gets stronger and more adept at doing the very thing that before we found so challenging.
You have to be willing to stop and fix. Deep practice requires a willingness to do what many of us find uncomfortable: to admit to our errors, and focus on them.
Daniel Coyle, The Talent Code
During the first few years of swinging, we were so nervous, we hardly made eye contact. But eye contact is connecting, it’s conversation without talking. People who cannot make eye contact are (perceived as) less secure. We would scurry, like mice, from one edge of the club to another, or one part of the boat to another, barely acknowledging the people we passed. We may have danced, but we did so with eyes locked on one another. When someone approached us to talk or about play, we were surprised and eager to take them up on it.
In addition to the simple social blunder of failure to make eye contact, we made loads more, tons of mistakes. Playing with people we weren’t fully into; not being direct with one another or prospective play partners; not allowing ourselves to be completely free or getting into conflicts. But these big mistakes came with the biggest gains, big, massive growth in our relationship with ourselves and one another. These mistakes, and practice overcoming them, made us so much stronger. They gave us new heights of love and confidence.
Confidence we aren’t going to make those mistakes. Confidence we are safe in these settings. Confidence in ourselves, our bodies, and our relationship. Love for one another, deep, cherishing admiration. Love for ourselves, the people brave enough to keep trying and keep getting better. Love for our bodies, our uniqueness, our social charm and banter.
When someone told us, our second year into swinging, that, “You are going to make mistakes. Especially during the first five years, you are going to make loads of mistakes,” we felt disheartened. But now, I’m almost envious of newbies who get to enter the space doe-eyed and make all those mistakes! Oh the newbie gains they will experience! Over the next five years, they will grow exponentially in hotness, confidence, social skills, and happiness. Although afterwards they will find a new, much-higher baseline of happiness, sexiness, and life enjoyment, there is something deeply specially and extremely rewarding about the rapid pace of growth achievable in those first few years.
Love your mistakes! They are your key to exponential growth. When it gets easier, you won’t grow as fast.
Love,
Honey
