Twice in my life—that I can remember, both while drunk—I touched someone without consent. Specifically, I touched men. I touched their genitals over their pants. Even though both incidents were more than ten years ago, even though I’ve done tons of inner work, therapy and self-forgiveness work around them, I still feel guilty. But, as I’ve written recently, I’m grateful for the guilt. It makes me confident it will never happen again.
We just got back from Hedonism II in Jamaica, and we had the most amazing experience. It’s pretty incredible how much fun swingers can have and how rarely there is a consent issue. But this week, we encountered two.
The first was smaller. We were dancing with a couple, and the wife asked to kiss me and we kissed. After that, I was dancing with the husband, and he started kissing my neck without asking. I’m sure he thought it was no big deal. But for me, if he isn’t asking to do this, I’m thinking, what else is he going to do without asking? Suddenly, I felt unsafe. And disrespected. And a little grossed out. Like he was being awfully selfish, taking what he wanted without considering what I wanted. Having already taken too much, I refused to give him anymore. We kindly excused ourselves and did not return.
The second was bigger. A newbie guy—overly intoxicated, acting like a single and without his wife present—reached over to touch a girl I was playing with. She was undressed and he was touching, or trying to touch, her clitoris. It was shocking, and for a moment I was so shocked I didn’t do anything. I feel ashamed about that. Again, I’m grateful for the shame because I know if anything like this happens again, I’ll act even more swiftly. I removed his hand.
Earlier that day we ate lunch with that man and his wife, and I thought he was a sweetheart, but there is no going back. If I ever see him in the Lifestyle again, I couldn’t trust him in a play setting and would not only avoid him, I’d caution others against playing with him. An apology could go a long way, but do I have to remind him of what he’s done? Will he even remember?
“Maybe it was just the alcohol,” one might say. Oh, certainly. But so what? In a court of law, voluntary intoxication is never a defense. Nor should it be here, or anytime we talk about sexual assault.
Yes. Sexual assault. I feel like many people, especially men, do not understand what we mean when we say, “Consent Matters.” It reminds me of this episode of Swing, where a newbie man in the house fingers (!!) two women in the playroom without their consent.
One of them was especially shaken. And what they each said always stuck with me: (1) “Just grabbing, without asking, that’s definitely a no-no. You have to really communicate with the other couple and make sure everything is okay first.”
And (2) “Once you’re in the Red Room, everyone is touching, kissing, sex is happening left and right. You’ve got to know that there is a little bit of etiquette involved…Always ask, try to build that connection first.”
Can you imagine if a man fingered two girls at a bar without their consent? Or went around drunkenly grabbing pussies? He’d be in jail. I don’t understand why this concept is hard to understand for men when they enter swing settings. The rules are the same. Don’t touch without making a connection first. Preferably, always ask.
The episode is so cringe and I’m so grateful it exists because it instilled in me asking before everything. It might seem like someone definitely wants to kiss you, but why not ask first? If they don’t want to kiss you, you’ll be glad you asked. And if they do want to kiss you, they’ll feel even more respected and trusting of you for having asked. It’s a way to say, “Your pleasure matters to me, I don’t see you as a thing that I can use as I please, I care about you.” If they do want to kiss you, this added respect and moment between wanting to kiss you and actually kissing you will increase anticipation and arousal. It’s a win-win. This goes for all kinds of sexual touch.
When we touch without asking it’s sexual assault. I know that’s intense and even triggering for me to write but it’s true. “Consent Matters” because touch without consent is assault.
And you know the worst part of assaulting someone? I know, having done it. It’s that you can never take it back. I violated them. And I have to live with that. And having to live with that is so much worse than the momentary fear of being rejected, actually being rejected or sounding silly for asking. I’ve forgiven (nearly) all of the people who sexually assaulted me, but it’s hardest of all to forgive myself.
It makes me want to stop talking about consent so lightly. “Consent is sexy” is not good enough. Especially in swing settings, nonconsensual touch is just completely unacceptable. Inappropriate, disgusting, immature, selfish, detestable, these words come to mind. It’s a crime. And it violates the norm of safety that makes our community—along with our values of friendliness, openness and non-judgment—work. To me, in the case of the drunk newbie touch this week, it’s worse than a stranger sexually assaulting someone because to be in that setting in the first place, someone trusted him. It’s a betrayal too, not just of the person touched, but of every single person that allowed the borracho to be there.
“Consent is Necessary.”
To be completely honest, I’m still not perfect at this. I can think of one example at Hedo that makes me think, “Eh, it was probably fine…but I wish I would have asked.” So, if you have moments that make you think the same, it’s okay, you’re not a bad person, and I’m not saying you should be in jail. But I am saying you should allow yourself to face it and feel the shame and guilt so that you get more committed to being better next time. We’ll get better together.
Love,
Honey