I was at a SoulCycle pride ride when the instructor shouted, “Where my bi-girls at?!” I froze. “I prefer the word, ‘queer,'” I thought to myself. I did not cheer.
This experience got me thinking. I am a woman who has sex with other women, why didn’t I consider myself bi? I didn’t have a particularly good reason. It is true, I prefer the word “pan” these days, but that doesn’t explain why I couldn’t identify with the instructor’s statement. Since I didn’t have a good reason, I decided to adopt the term. The world opened up.
Once I started identifying as bi, or as a girl who likes girls, it gave me permission to sexualize women. I didn’t realize how often I would see a woman, sexualize her, and then shame myself for the thought. Now, I get to see the woman, sexualize her, and not feel any shame. Instead, I get to ask myself questions like, “why do I find her hot?” instead of pretending I don’t or thinking “I just admire her.”
Recently I was hooking up with a woman and she said something like, “I’m new to this whole bi-thing, so I’m not in charge.” I was thinking the same thing! And a couple days later, when talking to another woman I would soon have sex with, she said the same thing! How many of us are new to this, and feel a bit out of our depths? By the way, one woman described “new” as “the last five years,” while another defined it as the last two years, I defined it as the last six months, and another as just a few nights ago. So, I don’t think feeling new has anything to do with the amount of time per se you’ve been interested in women or acting on that interest. It’s a felt sense.
I thought I could at least contribute what I know so far.
Flirting
How do I approach women? How do I show interest? I was watching Swing TV on Playboy when a newly-bi girl* asks this of one of the more experienced husbands. “I always hear girls start out with a compliment, for example, ‘I like your dress, or cute earrings.'” What great advice! She employs it later in the episode with great success, and I can report the same. If you don’t know how to open a set, a compliment is a great place to start. If you find her sexy, there is definitely something she’s doing that you can compliment, and in my experience, ladies love to hear it! Just like I put in work on my outfit, my shoes, my makeup, etc., so did the other women at the party. It’s nice to be noticed. Give it a shot!
Making the first move
What do you do if you want to know if the feeling is mutual? Often times we are talking to a couple, and we aren’t sure if the woman is interested in girl-girl. I used to spend a lot of time trying to suss this out. Now, I just ask! “Do you like girls?” is typically my formulation, but others work too. I like to ask while looking sexy, like smiling while biting my lip or something. If she says yes, the easiest next move is to dance together, but clearly, options abound.
Eating pussy
The first night I played with a girl I was in a fugue state. I felt like I went into avatar-mode. I remember getting between her legs, licking up and down a bit, and then, phew! I was saved. Mr. Honey started licking the woman’s tits in the way he would eat her pussy, so I just copied him until she came. I was really happy to have his help, and, at the same time, it left me feeling very concerned I wouldn’t be any good if left to my own devices. I’m not sure why, but I got really intimidated and somewhat scared of the next time the issue would come up.
A few times, I avoided this by letting other women eat me out. I love being eaten out by a woman. I love touching her hair, I love how women look down there. And, usually, they are a wee more gentle than men, which is welcome. But I knew I couldn’t avoid it forever. Still, I wasn’t motivated to read about it for some reason, I think it brings up feelings of discomfort about my own genitals, so I just waited for a woman I was so excited about I’d get over whatever hangups I had.
Wa-la. I got lucky. We had a great, four-way connection with another couple, and the woman’s body was a lot like mine. I learned I really like that. I knew that Mr. Honey would follow behind me, so I could let go of the pressure to make her cum. And so, I just had a lot of fun down there. Licking, sucking, trying out things I had felt on myself, just having fun. In the tantric tradition, this is the recommendation (Tip #1): do what pleases you; what your hands and mouth want to do; don’t worry about the other person; if you’re enjoying it, they’ll enjoy it. I found this to be the case.
The next time I was playing with a woman, after she finished eating me out, she said, “I learned from the best,” and gestured to her husband. I found that so hot and relayed as much to Mr. Honey. I said, “Maybe you could teach me, and I could say the same thing?” He responded, “I don’t know, my best advice is: close your eyes and hallucinate.” Noted. Tip #2: if you are with someone who eats pussy, ask their advice.
This set me up for the big kablamy. This time, she was so hot, and I was so aroused by the time we got to playing that I went down on her first. Also, I had my period, so it felt like my only option. That proved not to be the case, but never mind that for now. This time, I closed my eyes and hallucinated. I allowed myself to be fully present. Before I would have a little narrator in my mind, saying, “Now I’m doing this, now I’m doing that.” Or “Wow, I’m really doing this.” No more of that. I could feel how she responded to my touch. I felt blood rush in when I was doing something she liked. She’d moan, or bite her lip, and I was attuned to that. And I could taste how she changed as I continued. Yumm-my. I was still practicing and integrating things I liked myself and such, but without all the pressure of doing anything “the right way.” Indeed, there is no right way, only my way. Tip #3: Allow yourself time to experiment and find your own style. Oh, and hallucinate.
Okay that’s all for now. Lots of love! And kisses. Pussy-kisses. Muah!
*I have used girl and woman interchangeably in this post. Don’t hate me! It’s all just for fun.