“I can’t make him come with my mouth.”
Someone recently approached me with this problem. She lamented that she can’t make her husband orgasm with *solely* her mouth, and that it makes her feel bad. Yes, she can do it with her hands, but she wants to make him come with her tongue. What advice do I have, she asked me, as a blowjob instructor.
It reminded me of an episode of Swing, when newbie-couple Cole and Ginger enter the house, have an incredible time, but neither of them orgasm. In their debrief with Dr. Jess O’Reilly after, she asks them each what’s going on. Here, Ginger acknowledges that her orgasm (or lack thereof) is her responsibility: “I really think it’s a block in my own brain, not anything physical.”
Dr. Jess: “Do you think there is a reason you won’t give yourself permission to let go? Orgasm requires the ability to let go.”
Ginger: “He has the best of intentions when it comes to trying to help me get off, but at the same time, I feel bad for him because he feels like it’s his fault. It took him a while to understand that it wasn’t his fault.”
Later, Dr. Jess assures Cole, who we learn is holding back on his own orgasms because Ginger can’t saying, “No one can give her an orgasm. Nobody can give her an orgasm. She has to let herself. So it’s not on you.”
Dr. Jess: “How would you have felt if she had had an orgasm last night with somebody else?”
Cole: “It would give me hope that she can do it again. It would probably cause a new spark in our sex life.”
This is what I want to say to my friend who cannot “make” her husband come with her tongue: That’s not on you.
It’s possible there are a number of things going on, but it’s doubtful any have to do with her. Orgasming is a learned skill; it’s not innate. If he can’t orgasm with her tongue, it’s probably because he hasn’t taught himself to orgasm that way. If I were guessing, I’d probably point to the way he masturbates. My guess is that he strokes himself often and always in the same way, squeezing really hard with his hand around the tip. (This feeling cannot be replicated with our mouths alone.) Of course, this is just speculation, but, in my experience, this is how men masturbate. So, my first recommendation would be, change up the way he comes with his (and her) hands.
When I was masturbating the same way all the time it made it difficult for me to orgasm other ways. Men would want to lick me in circles or suck on me, but I really wanted manual stimulation up and down. We can train ourselves (unwittingly) into becoming overly attached to one method of stimulation, making us controlling in bed and less playful lovers. This is why I stopped using a vibrator years ago–not because I have anything against them–but that I thought it was unfair to the men I slept with that they couldn’t possibly compete or replicate the motions of the vibe. Once I started masturbating different ways, at different tempos, with differing levels of lubrication, I learned I could orgasm all sorts of ways with all sorts of men and types of stimulation.
For a man that is overly attached to orgasming a particular way, he needs to break that attachment if he wants to be able to come other ways. If he doesn’t want to come other ways, he should explicitly release his partner from her expectation and desire to do so. If he does want to come other ways, I’d start with these tips:
- Take a hiatus from the ordinary way you masturbate. If you catch yourself squeezing too hard or going back to the old way, stop. Take a break. You don’t get to orgasm like that right now.
- Practice light stroking, grazing the shaft and the head with soft finger-pads, both with and without lube. Also practice slow, squeezing strokes, painfully slow. Play with the balls and perineum. Go several days without orgasming to build up the will and desire to come any way possible.
- Focus on your breathing. Remember to keep breathing; don’t hold your breath to orgasm (it’s not sustainable for techniques that will take more time).
- Do 1-3 until you orgasm from a new method of stimulation.
The truth is, we don’t need any stimulation to orgasm. “The orgasm happens in the brain.” And, therefore, the brain has more to do with it than anything else. Barbara Carrellas, author of Urban Tantra, is one of many documented cases of people who can orgasm without any genital stimulation–by just thinking and breathing. She believes, “anyone can learn this” but it requires unlearning your old methods of orgasm, especially the tendency to doing so silently and while holding your breath.
Recently, Mr. Honey and I each had our own experiences coaxing the brain into orgasm. I noticed that he wasn’t orgasming in Lifestyle settings, and I wondered if he needed permission from me to do so. I let him know I’d find it hot, and that, in fact, I’d been masturbating to the idea to train myself to find it arousing and nonthreatening whenever it happened. Then, the next time we played, he came with our friend while she was blowing him. I asked him after if there was anything in particular she did to make it happen, and he said, “I just thought to myself, ‘Doesn’t she deserve a reward? To know how much I’m enjoying this?’ and then I let go, and let it come.”
The next day I did the same thing. A new friend was eating me out, and I was so overstimulated I was having a hard time coming. But I wanted him to know he was doing a good job. I breathed and got present. I saw his wife’s breasts next to me and focused on them. I got out of my head and focused on one fantasy–the image of me fucking her with a strap-on, her breasts shaking underneath me–while I watched her on the bed next to me. And I orgasmed 🙂 The stimulation didn’t change. What changed was mental.
“An orgasm requires the ability to let go,” says Dr. Jess to Cole and Ginger. Someone else’s orgasm, or lack thereof, is never about you. Let go of any meaning you’re attaching to it. And know that you, and them, can learn a new way by unlearning whatever attachments you have to your old ways of doing things.
All is mental.
Much love to you as you change things up,
Honey