To kick off Masturbation May, I received an email from Tiffany at Entice Me (an online sex store I adore). In it, she describes listening to a talk by Dr. Laurie Mintz, author of Clitorate, and being left a little dissatisfied.
Dr. Mintz says she’s never tried to find her g-spot because the clit was enough. To me that is settling. Like having a sirloin steak and never trying a ribeye because it was good enough. Or trying one sexual position and never trying another.
During her presentation, Dr. Mintz mentioned about 1% of women masturbate with internal stimulation and 99% self-pleasure clitorally. This correlates with the live interactive poll we (mostly doctors, sexual medicine and pleasure experts) were participating in about how we achieve orgasm. 2% responded (including me) could achieve orgasm from internal penetration alone, 35% with penetration with direct clit stimulation, 60% clit only, and 2% do not climax.
Tiffany, Entice Me
I haven’t read Cliterate, but I get the sense that it advocates clitoral literacy because most women “can’t” orgasm any other way. This is, of course, a good push. One-third of women have never orgasmed, which means even women have a long way to go on becoming cliterate. But still–and this is what bothered Tiffany–orgasming is a learned skill. It’s not that women “can’t” or are physically incapable of reaching orgasm other ways (i.e. through penetration, anal or nipple play, or even no touch at all), it’s that they don’t know how.
To help with this, Tiffany provides some “tantalizing tips.”
Want to pleasure in new ways?
Self-pleasure in positions and ways that you have partnered sex. If you want to have vaginal or anal orgasms, self-pleasure that way. If you want to experience an orgasm in certain positions, self-pleasure in those positions.
For example, if you want experience an orgasm on your back, but typically self-pleasure tummy down, switch it up…. Try some insertion in your masturbation time, to simulate what happens during intercourse.
Tiffany, Entice Me
I love this invitation. Also, try using different strokes, tempos and toys. If you want to orgasm via penetration, masturbate with a dildo–this will help you learn what kind of stimulation makes you come. You can play around with angles and depths and speeds at your own pace.
I also I want to take her advice a little further. First, if you are a man, all the same advice goes to you. You may be surprised what incorporating ball, perineum or anal play does to your orgasms. Don’t only masturbate in the shower or in your favorite spot, masturbate standing, sitting, over briefs (or panties for ladies), with lube (natural and fortified) and without. The more ways you can bring yourself to orgasm, the more ways you will orgasm.
Then, change up what’s in your mind and explore different fantasies. Take nothing off the table. “If one fantasy doesn’t work for you, move lazily on to another.” (J, The Sensuous Woman) Push your imagination, and “allow your fantasies to excite you… After all, no one is ever going to know unless you tell.” (J, The Sensuous Woman). Consider using porn as an aid here. Don’t be ashamed, it’s a way for us to learn about new things that may arouse us.
When we paint a robust mental image, the brain has difficulty differentiating from imagination and memory. To your brain, memory and imagination are the same dance — just different steps along the same wire. The network that lights up when recalling memories is the same network that activates when envisioning possibilities. (That’s why sometimes you can’t remember if you dreamt something or it actually happened.) Exploit this and enjoy your fantasies as though they were real. It will train your brain to be aroused in certain situations–in fact–any situation you want!
Definitely also masturbate to situations that have caused fear or performance anxiety in the past. This will train your body to be able to experience pleasure despite the fear when you face the situation again.
Finally, don’t hold your breath while you masturbate. This is so hard, I know. But try to breath up to and through your orgasms. Holding your breath isn’t sustainable for longed periods and therefore puts increased pressure on the orgasm to happen in the next few seconds. This is fine when we masturbate, but it’s bad training for partnered sex because it can make us unreasonable and even irritable when an orgasm doesn’t come at our desired pace.
Most importantly, masturbate! A regular masturbation practice is meditative. “Medibation,” as Annie Sprinkle calls it, connects us to ourselves and the sensations of this, here, now. It’s a way to become present and to let go. Treat it as a holy act. May it be sacred to you and revered.
Medibation strengthens your ability to stay present and alert, and it connects your sex with your spirit. Great medibators are usually great Tantric lovers and because they have learned to see the divine in themselves and thus can see the divine in their beloved. I encourage you to medibate daily.
Barbara Carrellas, Urban Tantra
Have fun touching yourself! Hopefully often, in new and playful ways <3
Honey