Play Like It’s the First Time

The other night we had such ecstatic sex it felt canonical. You know, one of those nights you’ll remember and reminisce about for a long time, even forever? I realized that it was made possible by two key lessons we learned from swinging. Here they are.

1. Sex is just play

One thing we both love about swinging is that sex is play. It’s playful, it’s not goal oriented. It’s not like porn where you need to do every position and everyone needs to orgasm. You do what feels fun and pleasurable and stop whenever you want.

We integrated this into sex at home. Before swinging, at times I would wear myself out, trying to make sure Mr. Honey orgasmed as well as me. Other times he felt bad accepting a blowjob from me without reciprocating, but I didn’t want reciprocation in that moment. Now, we have a “no one has to orgasm” mantra, and it allows us to slip in and out of sexual moments with fluidity. I might lick his dick for just a minute before going back to whatever I was doing, or, like the other night, we might fuck and fuck and fuck but stop without him orgasming. Letting sex be play makes it feel much safer, less performance-oriented, and more fun. Also, ironically, orgasms come more easily when you can focus on the moment.

2. Fuck your partner like they are a new person

Something I love about fucking new people is the exploration it allows. I get to kiss them and it’s a conversation–there is push and pull as we each learn what arouses the other. I get to do all my favorite things—kiss their neck, bite a little, dirty talk, feel all over their body—and see which ones really light them up. At home, it’s easy to fall into the habit of just doing what I know my husband likes. Not only is that less exciting for me, it’s a missed opportunity.

The other night, I told myself: “Fuck him like he’s a new person.” I realized how empowered I feel when I get to do that: I do what I want, I don’t focus so much on being pleasing. And bringing that empowered person–that energy and approach–changed our dynamic and freshened it up. We sat together after, reflecting: “It felt like the first time.” In this way, we pull the novelty and excitement we feel from swinging into our bed at home.

What other lessons can I integrate? Tell me!

Love, Honey

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