Lately Mr. Honey and I have been exercising a “fuck yes or (fuck) no” rule in swing settings. As always, if one of us is a “no” on a couple for any reason, we are a no, but lately we’ve been saying “no” a lot more. To our pleasure, when we do play, nearly every recent experience has been a 10 out of 10.
“Maybe,” is a no.
-Mr. Honey
What’s going on here? Well, (1) we’re not longer interested in just any experience. When we got started in the Lifestyle, we were so eager for experiences that we’d accept almost anything. A, “Yeah, sure!” mindset. We were open to anything because we had no idea what we were doing and what we’d like. The only way to find out was to fuck around (literally).
Also, (2) now that we’re more experienced, we’re better at securing perfect experiences. When we were new, inexperienced, and nervous, we didn’t approach many couples. This drastically reduced our potential play partners to people bold enough to approach us, causing a false scarcity that made us even more likely to say “yes” in the rare event we had an option.
After a handful of negative, so-so, and stellar experiences, we could reflect and notice what made for a successful hookup. Now, having played a lot, we’ve learned much about what types of experiences we most like, what’s important to us in play and potential play partners, and how to look for and secure those qualities in a couple we are seeking for play.
For example, immediate attraction is often an insufficient indicator of good play for us. Although attraction is required, more determinative for us is how well we communicate with a couple, the banter, and whether each couple is able to pick up what the other is putting down. Similarly, although dancing is a good indicator of chemistry, for us, kissing is much more reliable. Whereas before we may have committed to playing with another couple after dancing, we almost never do that now. The couple must past a kiss test, and usually we take a break between kissing and agreeing to play so we can discuss the kiss with one another. (We’re not evaluating whether the kiss was “good,” by the way, we’re evaluating whether it left us craving more.)
Now that we are more experienced, we do a lot more approaching. This gives us a pool of potentially anyone at the party, instead of the one or three couples bold enough to approach.
Knowing we can (and will) approach anyone we want gives us an abundance mindset, which emboldens us to say “no” more too. We think to ourselves, “Surely, we can find a great connection among all these people. And if not, we can always just play with one another.” If anything feels imperfect, there’s no need to continue. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
As a result of our pickiness (or careful selection process), our play lately has been a lot hotter, more joyful, pleasurable, and equal. The chances one of us feels not-so-good after a play session are much lower, because we are only saying yes to experiences that are an enthusiastic “yes” for the both of us. We feel stronger as a team, respecting ourselves and one another throughout the process.
Still, not playing when you’re not enthusiastic and aroused is a hard lesson to learn and one we are still learning. For example, even despite our “fuck yes or no rule,” we recently played with a couple that I was feeling so-so about. I communicated an enthusiastic yes to Mr. Honey because I knew he was really into the wife, and we had talked about him playing with her. At the time, I didn’t realize I was pushing myself to have sex with the husband for Mr. Honey, I thought I wanted it. But then, while it was happening, I just wasn’t that aroused. Looking back, I can see that I tricked myself: I thought it was a “yes,” but my desire wasn’t coming from my own arousal and desire (i.e. my pussy), it was coming from a desire to please my partner and give him something that he wanted (i.e. my brain). *Sigh.* Oh well, sometimes we need more negative experiences to meaningfully ingrain a lesson we’re learning.
I’m hopeful I won’t make that mistake again, but it’s hard! Rejecting people is hard. Saying no is hard. Listening to my pussy (over my thinking brain) is also hard.
And, the cost of this discipline, although it means better sex, is that we play a lot less, especially in settings with fewer people. Whereas before, going to the club meant playing, now, that’s pretty rare. The benefit of this is less self-betrayal and therefore more self-trust and confidence, in and outside of Lifestyle settings. I no longer feel super nervous about going to the club or Lifestyle settings because I don’t make the same mistakes as I did when we were newer. Whereas when were just getting started, I felt I was nearly fated to betray myself in some way (playing when not all in, doing more than I wanted to, not speaking up, etc.), now I fear that less. I have fewer regrets. But it can make it harder for me to get excited to go out, knowing that play is unlikely.
But that reticence is helpful too. It makes me think more carefully and intentionally about where we show up, which means not saying yes to every invite. I’m saying “yes” to my desires and what my pussy wants more, less to what I feel I “should” do or would be pleasing to others, and I’m respecting myself and my time more as a result. Just like I don’t want to fuck just anyone, I don’t want to go to just any party. I want to go to parties with hot people. Rather than weeknight club dates, I want to go on vacations where everyone has a chance to settle into sexiness and more time to get to know one another. Setting ourselves up for 10/10 play experiences starts with setting ourselves up for 10/10 experiences, and that excites me! It’s another skill I get to build through swinging. More perfect experiences, fewer imperfect ones. Yes please.
What about you? Have you noticed yourself getting pickier? Or maybe it’s the opposite! Drop me a line, I’m oh so very curious.
*Imagining us rubbing boobies together*
Honey