I laid underneath him, his wife next to me, moaning deeply as Mr. Honey gave her another of many orgasms. I asked him to talk to me while he penetrated me, and he whispered, “Yes, I’m fucking you. You’re being penetrated.” I felt myself getting wetter, and then I came, again and again.
"Was that three for you?" "While you were inside of me, yes." "Two more from my mouth, yeah?" I smiled. "I come a lot." "Her too. You're both spoiled." She smiled. "Yeah, I can get, like, 12."
Why is that some women orgasm easily, and others find it challenging? Why is it that only 10-20% of women report being able to achieve orgasm via penetration, while everyone else reports only being able to orgasm through clitoral stimulation? I have ideas. But that’s not what this piece is about. This piece is about how I achieve vaginal orgasms, because I think it’s different than maybe people or women expect. I’m not saying I know what’s true for anyone else, but I thought it might be helpful to talk about what helps me get there.
First thing first: a definition. When I say vaginal orgasm, I mean an orgasm from internal stimulation, whether g-spot or otherwise. I don’t mean to say the clit is not being stimulated (often it’s hit while the other person’s body thrusts into mine), but I do mean it’s not being actively engaged via rubbing or vibration. (I almost never use vibrators anyway).
Internal conditions for a vaginal orgasm (i.e. what is happening inside my head/body):
It might go without saying, but I have to be very aroused to achieve a vaginal orgasm. Unlike a clitoral orgasm, which I can pump out basically whenever, a vaginal orgasm requires me to be turned on from head to foot. A full body turn on to me feels like writhing, I feel slinky and my body undulates. I often feel aroused by myself, by my body, my sensuality, how I look and how good it feels to be in my body. Most of my senses feel heightened, a whisper in my ear is not a whisper, it’s the tone of voice, the low hum I feel in my eardrum, the heat of their breath on the peach fuzz along the brim of my ear. A brush of someone’s or my own fingertips or nails wakes up my skin, and I feel sensitive to everything.
Next, I need permission. Sometimes, when I have sex, I am worried about the other person’s experience. I want to be a good lay, or, as often happens with Mr. Honey, he’s given me so many orgasms that I want to be sure he gets his. “Making sure,” is a managerial, anxious thought that prevents full-body sensation and pleasure. If I am thinking about how to hold my vagina in a way to be maximally pleasurable, I am probably also holding my breath, and I won’t be able to have a vaginal orgasm. I also know that having a vaginal orgasm impacts the penetrator, especially when it’s a man, so it helps when I have permission, from him but moreso myself, not to worry about his experience and allow my own to reach it’s maximum.
Next, I have to let go. The clit can be very picky. She may grow to prefer being touched in a certain way. Over time, if we always masturbate the same way, the brain creates shortcuts: pathways that understand “this = pleasure = orgasm = done,” and the brain can conspire with the body to always do the quickest, easiest thing. You can re-train your arousal system to access deeper pleasure, but it takes time, discipline, patience and, often, unlearning quick-release habits. I’ve spent many years practicing circumventing the quick orgasm and going for the more challenging one, and it requires a mentality of letting go of the orgasm and being happy with any pleasure that comes. When my friend (from the above text) was fucking me, part of me wanted to say, “No, do it like this, or, I want it like this.” On the one hand, speaking up in sex is great and empowering, and if it’s not going to be pleasurable without speaking up, we definitely want to speak up. But, for me, something I enjoy about having sex with new people is seeing how they pleasure, and so I like to let it play out if I can. When the voice came up that was getting particular and preferential, I repeated to myself, “Let it feel good.” Let go of control, let what’s happening feel good.
In order for these conditions to exist in my mental, I have to feel very safe. It’s hard to be vulnerable, to feel wildly beautiful, and to surrender if I don’t feel totally safe with the person or people I’m with. If I am feeling the need to perform, obviously I don’t feel totally safe to be myself. And, of course, the safety starts with me. When I was in the habit of constantly criticizing myself, in or out of the bedroom, pleasurable sex was more difficult. I have to know that I’m okay, that whatever happens will be okay, that there’s not going to be shame or judgment to follow. That requires deep trust, both of myself and the people I’m with.
Also a note: it might be helpful to know that a vaginal orgasm does not feel the same as a clitoral orgasm. A clitoral orgasm is like “PING! POW!” and it often feels localized to the clitoral area. If I focus, I can spread it and it will send waves of pleasure from my clit through my body. They vary in size, but it often starts as a pulse or low itch and then one big bang. For me, a vaginal orgasm is more diffuse. It lasts longer. It feels more like a release. Perhaps like slowly releasing air from a balloon. I feel it throughout my pelvic floor, and it relaxes my spine. It’s deeply relaxing, and often it makes me wetter and looser, making the next one even easier. After a couple, a cervical orgasm becomes possible, which is, to me, akin to a soul-level orgasm.
External conditions for a vaginal orgasm (i.e. what is happening outside or to my body):
For me, a vaginal orgasm rarely happens without a lot of warm up first. That makes sense; most women take 20-45 minutes to orgasm, and, I think, feel shame or anxiety about how “long” they take. This is another reason why it can be so easy to opt for the clitoral orgasm: because there are so many nerve endings and the brain knows that type of orgasm is possible, it can feel safer. I love when someone seems in no rush while having sex with me. Lots of head first, and a couple clitoral orgasms or g-spot orgasms with fingers is almost always involved before my vaginal orgasms. This time is also trust building. It gives me the sense the person cares about my pleasure and it’s okay to let go, let it feel good and enjoy.
Typically I have vaginal orgasms in missionary or doggie. I think this is because both positions allow for deep penetration and I can relax. If I’m on top, I have to do a good amount of rhythmical work, and as my body starts to go limp with the vaginal orgasm I can’t maintain that rhythm so I can’t arrive at the peak of the orgasm. Doggie and missionary allow me to totally relax and receive. But I recently had a vaginal orgasm while riding cowgirl in a chair so, anything’s possible.
Finally, it’s not enough to just be penetrated. I usually have my eyes open, and I’m taking in the visuals of my body and the other person’s. While I’m doing this I’m focusing on arousing thoughts like, “Wow, I look so good,” or “He looks so good,” or “He feels so good.” Sound is big, huge, for my pleasure, and so I’ll ask the person to talk to me. I might say, “Tell me how good I feel,” or “Tell me how much you like fucking me.” I want them telling me how sexy I am, and I like to tell them similar things. It’s helpful for me to hear, in my voice and theirs, how enjoyable the moment is. It helps me stay in the moment, not fear the next moment, and not get ahead of myself in anyway. Remember, pleasure happens in this, here, now. If you are thinking even a half-second ahead you are not in the present and therefore undermining the pleasure of the moment. So I’m flooding my senses with the sounds, sights, and smells of this moment to ground me. If it’s a group sex situation, I love tuning into the sounds and sights of others. Sometimes it feels like I can actually feel others pleasure in the moment too.
I hope this helps! I keep rolling around this question in my mind: “If the orgasm happens in the brain, why does it matter whats happening to the body?” Food for thought for you too.
Remember: 1) Do what you need to do to feel safe. 2) Relax your mind. 3) Relax your pussy. 4) Douse yourself with the sounds, sights, tastes, smells and feelings of this, here, now.
From my wet juicy pussy to your engorged organs, whatever they may be,
Honey