For twelve months, every time someone offered us a drink, we declined. But long before our year of sobriety, we stopped drinking in Lifestyle settings.
It was our couple’s therapist who pointed out that alcohol was involved in every single one of our biggest fights. There were two in one year that were so epic that we violated our number one rule (“Never go to bed angry”), leaving our relationship in shreds and me literally beat up from self-harm. So, long before we stopped drinking (and recreational drugs) entirely (which we started due to what I call a Divine Invitation received this past October) we decided alcohol was too risky for Lifestyle settings, where the possibility of an impaired conflict was totally intolerable to us.
But I will say, being totally sober showed us a lot. And, for reasons unbeknownst to us, it’s illuminated a lot about different Lifestyle settings and play styles that we didn’t notice before. Let’s get into it.
First, it’s very easy for us to see now that not all Lifestyle settings are created equally. Maybe this is obvious, or maybe it would have become obvious even absent the sobriety, but many Lifestyle settings are more about pushing alcohol (or drugs) than they are about swinging. Now that we don’t drink, we can smell it out from how people describe an event: “How was it?” We ask. “It was awesome.” If someone cannot say why an event was awesome, they were probably drinking and probably drinking a lot.
We also notice more the general intoxication level of different parties. Especially now that we don’t drink, we aren’t interested in events or play partners that require a certain level of intoxication to play. We want to attend parties that center the play, and we want to play with people who will remember swinger etiquette.
Along those lines, it’s easy for us to watch how many people rely on drugs and alcohol to be able to stand these settings. I think some non-swingers might think, “Oh, I could never go to a party like that, I’d be so anxious.” To which I’d respond, “Yes, we’re all super anxious!” But now, it’s easy to observe how people rely on alcohol and drugs to overcome that anxiety. That’s honestly our favorite part of being sober–that it requires us to face and work through whatever discomfort is coming up inside, not just bury it or ignore it like I preferred to do when I smoked a lot of cannabis.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with using tools like drugs and alcohol to manage symptoms of discomfort–it’s called liquid courage for a reason!–but! You do miss the upside of managing them, which is this euphoric self-trust and confidence you get to carry with you throughout life because you know you can handle anything. Also, it’s easy to overdo. Often we are a “yes” on a couple at the start of the night, but by the time they are courageous enough to say yes back, they are too inebriated for us to want to play with. Tricky business, managing that fine line between brave and unbecoming.
Have I mentioned the upsides of sobriety in swinging? The upsides are awesome. First, I have no questions or doubts in my memory. The details aren’t hazy. I don’t wonder if I got enough consent. We get to relive the sexy memory in exquisite detail.
Any regrets I have, I can be confident I did my best in the moment. I can time-travel back to the moment and remember what was going on and why I made the choice I made. I have so much more trust in the me of the moment and therefore past me. I like that person. I’m much more present in my body and aware of what I am liking and not liking, what’s pleasurable and what’s uncomfortable, and I learn about myself as a result. I speak up a lot more too, which is super empowering.
During play, and all the good stuff leading up to it, I am a lot more present, and I remember details that are important to me like people’s names, asking for consent, and checking in on my partner throughout play and throughout the night. I notice subtleties and pay more attention to body language. As a result, I feel more in-tune with Mr. Honey, even when we aren’t right next to each other or involved in the same pile.
I’ll give you two concrete examples.
Recently, I was kissing someone, and he was fingering me and asking me if I like to squirt. Mr. Honey was kissing someone else. I repeatedly said no but the guy kept asking if he could make me and trying to make me. This happened for maybe 10 seconds before I heard Mr. Honey behind me saying, “She said no, man.” Wow, that was so hot. I felt so safe and loved and protected, and it’s hard to imagine him being there for me like that if we had been drinking.
The night before that, Mr. Honey was receiving a blow job that had him moaning in one moment, but I noticed the moaning stopped and decided to locate him. He had moved to the bed. I looked over at him, and he gave me a look that gave me the sense everything was not perfect, and I noticed he wasn’t hard. I went to him to help, sitting on his face and blowing him until voila, he was pumped again. I think I would have missed this moment if I was drinking. Both of these moments strengthened our connection, making us each feel, “Wow, s/he really cares about me and my experience.” Of course we know this to be true, but it makes us so much closer each time we show one another it’s true.
What do you think? Would you try sober swinging? What resonates?
Tell me,
Honey