I can’t tell you how to choose your play partners, but I can tell you how we choose ours.
In my post, “Do you notice yourself getting pickier,” I said: “Now, having played a lot, we’ve learned much about what types of experiences we most like, what’s important to us in play and potential play partners, and how to look for and secure those qualities in a couple we are seeking for play.”
So what are those things? Let’s get into it.
What’s important for us in selecting play partners
Mutual Attraction: We are looking for a four-way connection. I want there to be bisexual attraction between me and the other woman, hetero-attraction between the women and both men, and the men should like and respect one another. It’s not enough that I get on with the man, and/or that Mr. Honey gets on with the woman. What matters is the dynamic between the four of us. We’re asking: is it playful? Does it feel safe? Do we feel respected?
Respect for one another: This means we are evaluating the connection between the couple. There can’t be a four-way connection if they lack a two-way connection. It’s so much hotter for us when the couple is super into one another and enjoys watching the other in pleasure; when they obviously feel secure in their relationship and celebrate one other completely. This makes us feel safe to have as much fun as possible and experience as much pleasure as is available to us, which creates hotter moments and memories. For example, I love when a husband smiles at his wife or asks her to tell him how good she feels while being pleasured by someone else. We miss moments like that if there is insecurity or even lack of concern for the other’s experience between the couple.
Respect for us & our relationship dynamic: Of course, no one likes to feel disrespected, and we feel disrespected when a couple: (1) approaches one of us and seems not to care about looping in the other (or their partner); (2) pressures us or wants to rush into play; (3) argues with us about anything. We tend to connect with couples who are mature and can agree to disagree, or find ways to agree, rather than dig their heels in about something or insist on being right. It seems odd to me that this has even come up in Lifestyle settings, but I know it has. Any friction is an immediate turn-off for me. It’s also sexy when we say, “not right now,” and the couple is totally cool about it. It makes it way more likely we will say “yes” later. We feel respected when a couple displays interest, demonstrates that they are listening, and shows enthusiasm about us.
Clear communication: Direct is best. Honesty is necessary. If we’re going to get intimate, I need to see authenticity and feel a sense of mutual understanding. I don’t want to feel confused about anything going into play. If I’m not understanding them or things they are saying, or why they are doing certain things, it’s probably not a good fit. I’m asking, in essence, “Are they picking up what I’m putting down?” And, “Do I feel I have a good sense of who these people are?” Even little things, such as if our senses of humor are different (i.e. they tell a joke they think is funny but I do not), I may take that as a sign we might not communicate well in bed. It increases my sense of safety, knowing that I can speak up and be understood and they can do the same at any time before, during or after play.
Another example of unclear communication is when someone does not mention their partner or approaches us as a single. We know that not everyone in Lifestyle settings is a swinger. There are lots of ENM couples who are used to playing separately so I don’t mean to say we don’t give them the benefit of the doubt. But, even if someone is ENM, they are coupled. I much prefer transparency. When someone approaches as an individual but mentions their partner and their relationship-style right away when they approach it makes me feel like they aren’t trying to poach my partner, get away from theirs, or do anything sneaky.
Flexibility: Finally, for us, it’s important no one is goal-oriented. If a couple will feel like it was a waste of time or an unsuccessful play session if no penetration happens, or if certain positions aren’t accomplished, they aren’t a good fit for us. We like to be able to be present and allow play to flow and unfold naturally, and we can’t do that if someone needs to be in control or has expectations. Expectations, after all, are the enemy of gratitude. Further, we both really enjoy oral and so if a couple is not into that, it’s probably not a perfect fit. This is not to say people can’t have fantasies or things they’d really love to see happen! We love making fantasies come true. But they should be brought up directly and made happen only if everyone in the group is enthusiastic about it: this isn’t the tyranny of one person’s desires, it’s a democracy and a team-effort.
How to look for and secure those qualities in a couple
In addition to what I’ve already stated about observing the couple’s dynamic–seeing if they are connected and in love, asking questions about what they enjoy about the Lifestyle–there are a few other things we are observing and check-points we have before playing.
Evaluating Mutual Attraction: Directly, there are some questions we ask of all couples. The first is to the woman: “Are you into girls?” If she says no or that she is an “above-the-waist” bisexual, then I’m probably out. I want someone who is enthusiastic about playing with me. If she says yes, and it’s not obvious, I’ll ask directly: “Are you into me?” At some point after (assuming it’s a yes), I’ll either ask to kiss her or Mr. Honey will propose it. If the kiss is hot, then I’ll encourage her to kiss Mr. Honey. After I kiss her husband, (we call this kiss-process a “heat-check,”) Mr. Honey and I will either initiate play or excuse ourselves to discuss. We can’t always read one another so it can be helpful to step away, even if we both think we are a yes (or a no).
Evaluating Respect for One Another: These are little things. I like to see a husband dote on his wife, maybe he holds something for her when she steps away or offers to get her something she needs. I want to hear them both speak positively of one another and their life together. I want to see them touching, looking lovingly at one another, and, if not attached at the hip, display awareness or concern for the whereabouts of one another. Obviously, this criteria may not exist for everyone! But this is our dynamic, and we like to see it mirrored in other couples. This makes sense to me, we like to play with people who are like us.
Evaluating Respect for Us: There are a lot of ways to flirt in vanilla-world. For example, in Vanilla-world, two men might try to out-macho one another in competition over a woman. Or maybe they neg women (putting them down a little). I don’t want to experience any negativity, even if playful, in a Lifestyle setting. The flirting should be complimentary, lifting one another up, and there should be no felt competition between the men or women. No one is trying to one-up the other. We want to feel like we are one big happy team, aligned in the goal of pleasure for all. A couple can do this by displaying interest in both of us, not just one, and asking questions about our relationship (rather than us as individuals).
Evaluating Clear Communication: I love to see a couple being direct with one another in front of us. It shows confidence, and that they prioritize their connection with one another over their connection with us. We like this, as we will do the same. They might ask one another, “What do you want to do?” or, “What do you need?” And then respect and act on the other’s answer. They might be direct with us, saying, “We think you two are a hot couple, and we’d love to play.” This shows they’ve talked about it already (good), and they aren’t afraid to speak up directly for their desires (also good and handy in the bedroom).
Evaluating Flexibility: Is anyone being pushy, or forceful? Is anyone coming on too strong, or making us feel claustrophobic? Is anyone overstaying their welcome, insisting, or belaboring a point? Is anyone hogging the mic? These are some red flags to me. I am also feeling in my body for any alarm signals or feelings that something is off. If it feels off, even if I can’t articulate why, it’s a no for me. When we remember, we also like to ask directly, “What is your play-style?” Or, “What do you enjoy during play?” This way we can learn if it’s aligned with our own and how open-minded they are for different configurations.
There you have it! We’re looking for a four-way connection, bisexual women, mutual attraction, respect, flexibility, and ideally a love of oral sex. We secure these qualities by observing the other couple, listening to ourselves and our bodies, and by asking as many direct questions as possible.
What are your criteria? What tricks do you have to ensure a good play session? Tell me!!
Lovingly,
Honey